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25.11.11
The Belgian artist Rene Magritte has a valuable lesson to share with us all about the nature of video games: "Ceci n'est pas une pipe", or "This is not a pipe".
We see a pipe in the painting, but there's no pipe there. We see a picture of a pipe, but we cannot use it to inhale stimulants or clout our incompetent servants on the ear when they bring us the wrong brand of inhalable stimulants. Dammit, Jeeves, I only smoke Big League Chew, I don't care if the local tobacconist doesn't carry it or that it's actually children's gum in the shape of tobacco!
Likewise, when we play a video game, we aren't the hero. Take any of the Grand Theft Auto games, for example. Tommy Vercetti, Carl Johnson and Niko Bellic are men who exude a quiet confidence that commands respect from the lowest of criminal scum to the highest echelons of political power. But when you or I control them, these men are lunatics who blow stoplights by weaving between lanes of traffic at 80 miles per hour, not because they're being hotly pursued by Johnny Law, but because that stoplight is between them and a food cart that will allow them to eat 20 hot dogs in a row in order to vomit in front of my wife for her delight and disgust.
I have decided to bridge the gap between the simulated worlds that our characters inhabit and the certifiably insane ways in which we, the players, behave when we 'live' in them. I have chosen the ancient and noble art of fan fiction to aid me in this task.
Here, then, is a saga of Skyrim, featuring the words and deeds of the Dragonborn as he truly lived. And, indeed, as you truly play him.
The Miracle of the Sudden Cheese
From the Saga of the Dragonborn
Hark, and listen, for I tell you truly a tale of magic and miracle. Bright was the day and blue was the sky, when the strong-hearted Dragonborn came upon the modest village.
Blessings of Akatosh surely smiled upon Yngsir, Daughter of Yngsir, that day, for the Great Hero himself came unto her own home, and did grimly endeavour to conquer the stout lock that barred his entry, so great was his desire to make witness to the miracle to come.
"Damn," swore the Hero, and "Crap" was his oath, as a score of lockpicks shattered at the touch of his mighty fingers, as had so many foes fallen before his blade.
Fortune favoured the brave, as ever, for the hour of the day turned from 7:59 to 8:00, and lo, the stubborn lock relented and gave way at his touch, for this was the time of Many Locks Suddenly Opening, for reasons man may not know and the gods may not divulge.
The hoarfrost riming his beard gave way to the heat of the hearth, creating a mighty puddle, a cold-slick ocean of drips that would verily be a pain in the ass for Yngsir, Daughter of Yngsir, to clean.
Straight-faced and ruddy of hue, Yngsir, Daughter of Yngsir, greeted her honoured guest warmly, and boldly did she bear witness as the Dragonborn bravely ignored her and did honorably rifle through her possessions and spend many a minute flipping through her books.
But these shameful books pleased him not, and he spake aloud, saying in words of thunder: "Lame, no skill point upgrades."
Then did Yngsir, Daughter of Yngsir, feel a desire stirring within her to sit in a chair in another room, there to stare at the wall with great intensity and at great length, a pastime beloved of all peoples of Skyrim, for reasons man may not know and the gods may not divulge.
Strange sounds did she hear, a thumping and clattering as of chests being opened and middens being raided, but she stirred not, for such was her great love for staring at walls.
In time, she rose to find the Dragonborn, Great Hero of Our Age, standing before her, and he spake aloud, saying in words like the clash of glaciers, "You can keep this junk, it's too heavy to carry."
Then did Yngsir, Daughter of Yngsir, witness a great miracle, for lo, the Dragonborn suddenly emitted from his body a great bounty: weapons forged of iron, armour of leather and hide, many bottles of wine and a wheel of cheese most tempting to look upon.
Wherefrom did these things come, that they should appear as if from thin air in front of the Dragonborn and clatter to the ground in such disarray? So wondered Yngsir, Daughter of Yngsir, and so too did she wonder, 'Why do these miraculous goods look so familiar, like unto the goods I had carefully arranged upon mine shelves and in mine dresser?' Truly, it was a mystery, the reason of which man may not know and the gods may not divulge.
Yngsir, Daughter of Yngsir, known as Grimglare for her steely disposition, then gave birth to a smile for the first time in many years. For truly, the Dragonborn was as great a doer of deeds and bringer of wonders as the tales had told. Here, at last, was the man who would deliver her people from suffering.
"By the way," uttered the Great Hero, in words that rumbled like a herd of mammoths, "I accidentally killed your husband outside. I stealthed up and stabbed him with a mace because I thought he was a bandit."
"But it turns out he wasn't," sang the Dragonborn in words that roared like a great fall of water, "See you later."
- So ends the Saga of the Dragonborn's Miracle -
Have you enjoyed my tale? If so, perhaps I will share the story of the Dragonborn's Feast of Lightning. The Great Hero of Our Age was at the edge of death, when in the blink of an eye, the Dragonborn ate a score of foodstuffs, returning him to full hale hearth and heartiness from whence to deliver a killing blow to his astounded opponent.
"Ten cabbages and more have I eaten in the space of a moment's breath," spake he, "I cannot be defeated."
But that is a tale for another time.
Labels: 2011, Ben Freund, Feature, funnies, Skyrim, The Elder Scrolls, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- Anonymous
When I woke up on the 10th of November, I knew it was going to be a bad day. I think many felt the same way, as it was the eve before Bethesda's latest, the long-awaited Skyrim, was to be released.
A guest article by Cathal Geoghegan.
As I drank my morning coffee, I watched several of the Skyrim videos that had made their way onto the internet. It made the wait worse, but I just couldn't tear myself away from the beautiful landscapes and fantastical people of Skyrim.
Just as the wait was becoming unbearable, I received a phone call from an unknown number. Normally I would have ignored the call, but I somehow felt the call was important. I answered the phone. I was confused when the person on the line asked if I had ordered a package. Initially I didn't think it was Skyrim, because I hadn’t selected the express delivery and I had only just received an email confirming that it had entered shipping. My surprise was almost palpable when the courier arrived twenty minutes later and handed me the behemoth package.
I had expected the Collector’s Edition to be in a huge box, but I was very surprised by its actual size. I would say that the box is at least twice the size of the PlayStation 3's box, and it's also surprisingly heavy, considering the Alduin statue is only made of PVC. As you open the box, the first thing you see is book showcasing the artwork of Skyrim. Surprisingly, this was my favourite part of Skyrim's C.E. I had expected the quality of the artbook to be similar to books that you get in other Collectors' Editions, but I was absolutely wrong. The Skyrim Artbook is A4 in size (roughly the 'letter' paper standard, for American readers) and bound in a faux leather, which is of the highest quality. As a life-long bibliophile, I could tell that this book is definitely worth at least £30, or perhaps even more.
After the artbook, you will find the box containing the game itself, the DVD and the very special burlap map of Skyrim. Like the artbook, the quality of the map is superb and is worlds apart from the cheap paper map that came with copies of Oblivion. The map is also very detailed and will probably be essential for anyone wishing to play Skyrim.
Arguably the best thing about the whole of the Collector's Edition.
I then came to the pièce de résistance of the Skyrim Collectors' Edition, the Alduin statue. The statue itself is contained within a second box. When you open the box, you are greeted by a nice little touch from Bethesda; the polystyrene lining the box is embossed with the Elder Scrolls logo. The statue itself is fantastic, if somewhat light and delicate. As you set the Alduin dragon upon its base, you would think that it was actually made from metal, but its weight and the way that it feels shatter the illusion. Despite this, the quality and detail of the statue is amazing. The IP Factory, which manufactured the statue, went to great lengths to ensure that the statue is as authentic as possible, going so far as to use actual models from the game to create the statue.
Personally, I would consider this to be the best Collectors' Edition in a long time. I would also say that the Skyrim Collectors' Edition is a must have, for all Elder Scrolls fans. Despite the quality and lustre of the Collectors' Edition, you probably won’t have time to admire it once you start playing the leviathan that is Skyrim.
Labels: 2011, Bethesda, Cathal Geoghegan, collectibles, Feature, Guest post, Skyrim, Skyrim Collectors Edition, The Elder Scrolls, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- Linford Butler
Competition closed, and winners announced here. Thanks to all who entered!
Almost a week ago, we gave you the chance to win one of six Skyrim plushy helmets. The competition was a resounding success, and we thank each and every one of you who joined in. But those hats were snapped up, winners were told, and that was that.
But we at Gamer's Guide to Life.com like to surprise. And, alongside our beautiful new design, we're giving you the chance to win a Skyrim plushy hat all over again, courtesy of the lovely people at Bethesda. And it may just be your last ever chance.
You probably know the drill; you enter for the chance to win one of the two remaining Skyrim pushy helmets we have - and, as far as we know, the last ones Bethesda had in stock. This is your final opportunity to be a part of history, a part of something special. Since we've had time to discover more about these helmets and their magical powers of awesomeness, here is a new list of their incredible powers:
Put a helmet on a cat, and it'll turn into a Khajiit. Put it on a kitten, it turns into the cutest Khajiit you've ever seen. Ever.
Put the helmet on a tree at sundown, and there's a chance a wild Bosmer will appear. And then shoot you with an arrow.
Put a helmet on a nerd, he'll become a Nord.
Put a helmet on a dork, he'll become an Orc.
Put the helmet on at midnight and say 'Candyman' three times, and myth has it that Todd Howard will appear, and will lull you to sleep with his warm, cosy voice.
Put the helmet on in public, and become Dragonborn.
Put the helmet on a tree at sundown, and there's a chance a wild Bosmer will appear. And then shoot you with an arrow.
Put a helmet on a nerd, he'll become a Nord.
Put a helmet on a dork, he'll become an Orc.
Put the helmet on at midnight and say 'Candyman' three times, and myth has it that Todd Howard will appear, and will lull you to sleep with his warm, cosy voice.
Put the helmet on in public, and become Dragonborn.
Want to see what it looks like on a half-person, half-glitter-zombie? It's a good thing that we have just the image for you, then.
Note: we have no idea what is happening in this picture. You'll get the awesome hat, but we won't smear you in dirt and put glitter in your mouth. We have some dignity.
So, how do you get your hands on the last of these rare artefacts?
To enter, all you need do is tweet the following message using an unprotected, personal Twitter account, and follow our sister site's Twitter account at @systemlinkblog:
RT and follow @systemlinkblog to win 1 of the last 2 Skyrim plush helmets, courtesy of Bethesda! Details and terms: http://bit.ly/sl-skyrim
You asked, and we listened. Since some of you seem to have an acute fear of social networking, we've decided to open the competition to permit e-mail entries, as well. Whilst Twitter is by far the faster, easier and arguably better way of entering, we never leave a man behind. If you must, send us an e-mail at competitions@gamersguidetolife.com, with the subject line as Skyrim plush helmet competition entry. You will be treated to exactly the same random chance as those who enter via Twitter, and that's a promise. Please note: only one entry option is allowed. If you enter via Twitter and E-mail, we will only count one form of entry.
And, finally, we've taken the big choice to make this competition worldwide. Whilst it'll undoubtedly cost us a bomb to ship out to the furthest reaches of Antarctica, we can't put a price on a fan's happiness*.
There you have it. This is the last Skyrim competition we'll ever do, so make sure you're part of it. The competition will close at 11:59pm GMT on Wednesday 9th November, with winners chosen on Thursday 10th.
* We can, and it's anything upwards of £14.99
FUS-DO-RAH!
Terms and conditions:
- Entrants must submit their entries by no later than 11:59pm GMT on Wednesday, 9th November, 2011.
- Winners will be chosen at random on Thursday, 10th November, 2011.
- There will be two chosen winners, and each winner will receive one Skyrim plush helmet.
- The prize consists of one Skyrim plush helmet.
- There is no alternative prize and the prize may not be exchanged for any other item, nor any monetary amount.
- Entrants must follow both the SystemLink Twitter account (http://twitter.com/systemlinkblog) and retweet the given message in order for their entry to be valid.
- The Gamer's Guide to Life Network reserves the right to withhold prizes for any reason it sees fit.
- The immediate families of Gamer's Guide to Life Network staff are prohibited from entering, as are past and present members of the Network.
- The prize will be shipped to directly from the Gamer's Guide to Life Network, and thus winners will need to contact us to provide shipping details.
- Entrants must enter the competition using a regularly-updated, non-spam personal Twitter account, which is not set up merely for competition entries and/or promotional purposes.
- Following the competition, the winner will be required to contact a given Gamer's Guide to Life Network representative in order to provide the details we need to have the helmets dispatched.
- The prize cannot be redeemed in any other form than the prize designated.
- The Gamer's Guide to Life Network reserves the right to refuse entry to winners if they see fit.
- The Gamer's Guide to Life Network redeems the right to change, edit or otherwise add to or modify these Terms and Conditions at any time.
Labels: 2011, Bethesda, Chris Hawke, Competition, Exclusive, Skyrim, The Elder Scrolls, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- Chris Hawke
COMPETITION CLOSED: You can see who won on this tweet here. However - don't lose heart. With our new site coming any day now, we'll have a few more competitions to run - and who knows, maybe it will be your last chance to grab something Skyrim-based?...
Ladies and Gentlemen, Nords and Orcs, Khajiit and Dunmer, we have a special treat for you all. With The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim fast approaching, ready to swoop into your living room and tear the beating heart out of your social life, Bethesda want you to start getting into the mind of Dovahkiin. And how can you possibly feel like the Dragonborn? You can wear his helmet.
Bethesda have been kind enough to send Gamer's Guide to Life.com six glorious, wonderful and mesmerising Skyrim plush helmets to give away to you, our lovely readers. These fuzzy-yet-intimidating pieces of headgear not only keep you warm on cold winter nights in Whiterun, but also grant you the power to take down world-eating dragons.
Here's a full list of the perks it grants you:
+1 softness
+5 charm
+3 bartering skill
+10 hand-to-hand
3% chance to do a critical hit when shouting 'Strun-Bah-QO!' in a public place
-15 flame resistance
+100 social awesomeness
100% chance to attract opposite sex all the time
+5 charm
+3 bartering skill
+10 hand-to-hand
3% chance to do a critical hit when shouting 'Strun-Bah-QO!' in a public place
-15 flame resistance
+100 social awesomeness
100% chance to attract opposite sex all the time
These might just be the last Skyrim helmets left for you to snap up without stumping up almost $100 on eBay. It's your chance to be a part of history, to be the coolest of the cool, to wear a plush hat with pride and scream "I. AM. DRAGONBORN!".
To enter, all you need do is tweet the following message using an unprotected, personal Twitter account, and make sure to follow our Twitter account at @ggtl:
RT and follow @ggtl to win 1 of 6 Skyrim plush helmets, courtesy of Bethesda! Details and terms: http://bit.ly/ggtl-skyrim
Entrants must be in the United Kingdom, United States of America, Canada, or Europe.
And whilst you're at it, feel free to follow @systemlinkblog for all the latest breaking and exclusive news. They're our sister-site, and if Mum finds out that we're getting more attention then them, we'll be grounded (again).
If you want a sneak preview of what the hat looks like, take a gander below:
Note: we have no idea what is happening in this picture. You'll get the awesome hat, but we won't smear you in dirt and put glitter in your mouth. We have some dignity...
Just follow @ggtl and retweet us, and we'll pick the six winners at random when the competition closes on Thursday 3rd November, 11:59pm (GMT).
However, heed this, young warrior. Word has come from Mournhold that more helmets have been found in the wilderness of Elsweyr, and are making their way to Skyrim. Keep an eye on Gamer's Guide to Life.com, and you may just discover the truth very soon...
UPDATE: And if that wasn't quite explicit enough - all you people with an odd hatred of Twitter or living somewhere outside of the competition? Keep your eyes peeled - all is not lost.
Terms and Conditions:
- Entrants must submit their entries by no later than 11:59am GMT on Thursday, 3rd November, 2011.
- Winners will be chosen at random at midday, Greenwich Mean Time, on Friday, 4th November, 2011.
- There will be six chosen winners, and each winner will receive one Skyrim plush helmet.
- The prize consists of one Skyrim plush helmet.
- There is no alternative prize and the prize may not be exchanged for any other item, nor any monetary amount.
- Entrants must follow both the Gamer's Guide to Life.com Twitter account (http://twitter.com/ggtl) and retweet the message in order for their entry to be valid.
- The Gamer's Guide to Life Network reserves the right to withold prizes for any reason it sees fit.
- The immediate families of Gamer's Guide to Life Network staff are prohibited from entering.
- Prize will be shipped to you by Gamer's Guide to Life - thus, we will need to get in contact with you via your Twitter.
- Entrants must enter the competition using a reguarly-updated, non-spam personal Twitter account, which is not set up merely for competition entries and/or promotional purposes.
- Following the competition, the winner will be required to contact a given Gamer's Guide to Life Network representative in order to provide the details we need to have the helmets dispatched.
- The prize cannot be redeemed in any other form than the prize designated. Gamer's Guide to Life reserves the right to refuse entry to winners if they see fit.
- The Gamer's Guide to Life Network redeems the right to change, edit or otherwise add to or modify these Terms and Conditions at any time. Entrants must be located within the United Kingdom, United States of America, Canada, or any European country.
Labels: 2011, Bethesda, Chris Hawke, Competition, Skyrim, The Elder Scrolls, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- Chris Hawke
Those of you sitting at your computers, soaking in all the information Bethesda has spilled on The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (which is none, you'll have noticed) - you are all fools. How plain your minds must be to comply with such a lethargic lifestyle. Your hopes and your dreams will be dashed upon the icy rocks Oblivion was wrought from and your soul will be shackled, tethered to the perpetual hope that this game will function correctly.
Is there a chance of redemption, you ask? A man of power to make demands of Bethesda to ensure that disaster does not once again occur? Ha. Who would do such a thing? Santa? Come then, friends: I will hear more from this 'Santa' and what Bethesda needs to do to make Skyrim not suck.
Santa’s First Rule: Stop breakin’ the law!
Remember in Oblivion when you were so entranced by the visuals that you accidentally stole a plate from a bar? Remember how, after your thievery and crossing the whole world, you were stopped by a guard as though you'd just murdered the king? It needs to stop. Not only is it dumbfounding to be stopped and shaken down for every coin you're worth over a worthless plate, but it’s nonsensical. You mean to tell me that the guards have nothing better to do than track down a lowly plate smuggler? I guess portals to otherworldly dimensions and demons manifesting themselves all over the place is low-key.
This very response also occurs when you break into someone's home, steal all their belongings of any monetary worth, and kill the inhabitant. How do they even know who did the deed? Does word travel via laser pigeon in Tamriel? Apparently so.
Santa’s Second Rule: Sluggish, unrewarding combat makes for choice words.
Backpedaling and firing your arrows or magic missiles is only fun for so long. After taking down all manner of unholy creatures and garnering untold powers, how satisfying is it to get bum-rushed by two bandits that seem completely deprived of any clothing and having to work for the kills? Not too damn good. You see, there are some showy spells in Oblivion but nothing worth attaching the phrase 'eye-candy' to. I want a goddamn flare to strike down on that putrid orc because I didn’t like the way his teeth looked. The same can be said for physical combat. Swishing and swashing your sword, twanging gaggles of arrows; it can only carry so much weight behind it without that special 'umph'. That umph could be me infusing my sword with the blood of a fallen ice nymph and, after laying into a midget lizard creature, the land around the beast is stricken with a frigid shockwave that shakes it to pieces. That’s the push we need to see in Skyrim. That and more fluid dodging mechanics. You know, because you kind of need to dodge things. Better.
Santa’s Third Rule: Employ more than three people for your voice work!
That conversational pie mini-game was a crock and a bore. "Oh man, let me tell this joke again and, oh wow your dress looks so good! Wait, I don’t like your views on trees." How does this benefit the character's likability in any way? If someone told me my shoes were too feminine I’d roundhouse kick them back to Morrowind. All the people you speak to sound strangely similar, and it’s pretty hard to get into the game when the dude you just murdered sounds like he’s reincarnated as your next quest giver.
Also, for the love of everything that is holy and true, could you make some good-looking character models this time around? No matter how hard you tried it always seemed like your character looked ugly. By ugly I mean dustbin-worthy. And I won't even start on the female models...
Santa’s Fourth Rule: Horse Armor was so cool... wait.
No. It wasn’t. Actually, it's because of the horse armor that DLC got a bad name to begin with. Let’s make sure nothing like this ever happens again. How? Very simple my friends; follow the standard procedure that was taken in Fallout 3. It didn’t take that long for content to roll out, but when it did the game was all the better for it. Higher level cap, new unique items, questing joints, characters to meet, etcetera. Make us salivate at the thought of approaching other non-living, digital organisms.
Santa’s Final Rule: Utterly annihilate your scaling system for all time!
The worst and absolute killer of Oblivion for me was the levelling system. As you level up, you scale with every single thing in the entire game. In case you didn’t know, that sucks: let’s say you’re level twenty, you have an assortment of magical equipment, decent spells, and a nasty right hook. You are a walking battle tank. But you see those two wolves coming at you from the fields? Get ready to chop ‘til they drop. The damn things felt like they had hides reinforced with adamantium. I’ll never forget shooting a tiny, floating imp thirty times with arrows before it finally died.
The thing looked like a particularly abused voodoo doll.
This is serious.
You’re a hero who has closed many a demonic gate, slain countless enemies of the world, and saved entire nations from peril. You wield power beyond anybody’s reckoning as well as unparalleled skill. And yet, despite all of this, a standard group of dumbass bandits could attack you on a central road and completely decimate you.
Why?
These lowlife bandits, probably looking for meat and water, have equal or better equipment than you. How does this even happen? I mean, just give these dudes some meat and cheese, tell ‘em to kill some dudes and bam, game, set, match. No demonic king would dare mess with scaling bandits right? Right?
Exactly. Sort it out with Skyrim, Bethesda. Oh, and Merry Christmas!
Labels: Andrew Whipple III, Bethesda, Christmas Season 2010, Feature, Skyrim, The Elder Scrolls, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- Andrew Whipple III
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