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The nine game characters we feel most sorry for
by Andrew Whipple III
1.8.11

Every year we, the insatiable gamers, are blessed with an assortment of high-quality titles, which we gobble down with the utmost haste. Whether it be one of the greatest games ever conceived or something a bit more modest, we tend to forget the predicaments the main characters go through whilst we're being entertained. Shooting enemies is fun - undoubtedly so - but what about the guy who shoots a loved one? What about the guy who was just going about his everyday life when his town explodes? How about the guy who can't remember his own name? These are the videogame characters we feel most sorry for.

The list of game characters has grown exponentially over the years, and with them the issues that develop in such a memorable way. Some of these problems are a bit more serious than others, but hey, they're still problems right?


9: Solid Snake


The issue: Snake is a clone; he ages rapidly, has to fight multiple metal monstrosities and extraterrestrial soldiers, and has to prevent multiple nuclear strikes across all the games. Also, pretty much everyone close to him dies. Savvy.

Snake is an old bastard, or at least he was, by the time Metal Gear Solid 4 rolled around. Even so, his decrepit arse still had to take down a gaggle of enemies with crazy powers, and a series of metal beasts that could cause the apocalypse; not a small feat by any means. The worst of his conditions, though, is definitely his rapid aging process, being a clone and all. How would you like to live less than half your life and be thrust into a rather impossible scenario multiple times? Not so cool. Also, he fought - well, technically, his father fought - a guy who could control bees. ...bees.


8: Link


The issue: How would you enjoy waking up after defeating the toughest nemesis you ever faced, with all your power and items taken from you? Now, how would you enjoy it if it happened every single time? Also, and arguably worse, Link's vocabulary consists of only "HIIYAAA" and "WAAA" and "UGHH". He's a think-tank, clearly.

Link is a legend in the videogame character kingdom, and so are the design philosophies behind The Legend of Zelda, but those scenarios are going to take a backseat here. You see, at the outset of every game, Link is pretty much a different person who in no way resembles the skillful, item-ridden hero from his last adventure. He can also only communicate via several emotional screams, which explains why Zelda always gets lost some way or another (would you want to be around someone like that?). While there might be some kind of odd lore, and occassional connections to games past here and there, it's never truly apparent in any game. Which - naturally - leads me to believe that he's (a) insane, (b) a robot, or (c) maybe both. With this information we can only conclude that Link is tethered to the Matrix as some evil genius's puppet. I don't think he knows Kung Fu, though.


7: Tidus


The issue: Besides his strange taste in random clothing, Tidus has a problem with being tangible, and another with killing his father to metal music. He also likes Blitzball.

The protagonist from Final Fantasy X with the feathered hair gets a lot of flak for his somewhat... eccentric attitude - laughing scene, anyone? - and his random elbow pad. Tidus goes through quite a bit emotionally as the game continues on, but much to his surprise - and ours - he finds out that he doesn't even exist. That's right; by the time the game ends, Tidus basically just up-and-vanishes from Yuna's arms. Before that, though, Tidus participates in the killing of his father to save the land. I truly have no idea how this works, but when you break it down it sounds pretty bleak; Tidus killed his father to save a land that he can't be a part of because he just discovered he doesn't exist.

...blame Blitzball.


6: Boy from Shadow of the Colossus


The issue: In an effort to bring a girl that means something to him back from the dead, this boy must fight sixteen colossi. And slay every one.

It might not sound too depressing at first, but once you finish killing all sixteen colossi, something very bad happens to that boy. Instead of being rewarded with the chance to restore life to the girl, the boy ends up being turned into a giant demon. After the short stint of demonry subsides, the boy then turns into a baby, and the girl then awakens. So, after all that trouble, the kid has absolutely zero idea of what happened.

That, my friends, is what I call 'the shaft'.


5: Master Chief


The issue: Born and bred to fight, the Master Chief had no childhood and no life besides constant intergalactic warring.

Halo's Master Chief really is quite a depressing character. Whilst the games don't exactly dive deep into his background, the man had no life, no friends, no family; nothing. The only thing left to him was the drive to keep fighting for humanity. Every single day is just another step toward killing more aliens and regenerating more shields. I think the only friend the guy has is Cortana, and she's basically just the Internet. It does make you wonder, though; what does he do to kill time, besides sleeping in space?


4: Dominic Santiago


The issue: For a man whose whole world revolved around finding his wife and kids after his planet exploded, putting the gun to his own wife didn't seem to make him the happiest person.

Gears of War is all about the planet Sera, and how it became scorched due to the Locust emerging to annihilate the humans. After the initial attack, Dom lost his kids and his wife, but had never given up on trying to locate them. Upon entering the Locust Hollow in the second game, Dom finds his wife tortured and destroyed; a husk of her former self. Dom couldn't let her suffer any longer and was forced to shoot her, right in the ole' cranium. Could you imagine yourself dedicating your life to finding someone, actually finally managing to find them, and then having to kill them? To augment that feeling, you can then wake up every morning after that, to a world that's fully destroyed and trying to kill you. Awesome.


3: Castlevania's Dracula


The issue: Every single game, he comes back with greater power, badass traps, horrific monsters, and a thirst for vengeance. But he always ends up getting his arse whipped. Literally.

Castlevania is synonymous with Dracula at this point. Like the description points out, he comes back in almost every iteration more powerful than before. Yet, even if he came back with sixty thousand demons and a Godzilla-sized Death at his side, he'd end up losing to some schmuck that gets all up inside his castle. Having your soul literally ripped apart and being forced to sit there for years before you can manifest enough power in a feeble attempt to come back must suck.


2: Gordon Freeman


The issue: A scientist who really enjoys his work, Gordon somehow managed to turn a rather harmless experiment into a full blown alien invasion. ...good job, Gordon.

Half-Life is famous for having one of the best lead-in moments to a game ever, and it still holds up today. Gordon, being the wonderfully nice scientist he is, was going about his business as usual until he decided to push a cart into a part of the experiment he was helping with. Cue bolts of electricity, alien portals and dead people. Now Gordon is solely responsible for finding out how to fix the problem, which he still hasn't been able to do. Bet you wish you could rewind time a bit, don'tcha, Gordon?


1: Vic Viper


The issue: When an alien invasion comes, there's only one option.

You'd think that, after the first time the galaxy routed the enemy in the Gradius universe, they would prepare some kind of defense force in case it ever happened again. I guess that's too logical, though, because those lethargic asses always send out the Vic Viper whenever there's trouble. What happens if the pilots all got sick and no one could use this spacecraft? I guess it's game over forever? Sorry Vic, those guys are jerks.

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- Andrew Whipple III
The POTAToS Code: What Portal 2 and its secrets mean for the Half-Life universe (Spoilers)
by Greg Mengel
27.4.11

Portal 2 is full of secrets. Full of 'em. Enigmas fit into riddles which rest peacefully within conundrums all tied together by Gordian knots. They're like Russian stacking dolls delivered to Earth from The Twilight Zone by a faceless man in a Riddler suit. All at once intriguing, engaging, hilarious, tedious, and incredibly, wonderfully weird, these mind-teasing allusions and conspiracy theories currently hold the complete attention of millions of gamers across the globe in an international digital noir.

The problem is, there are just too many secrets floating around the interweb to keep track of. Discussions overlap, discredited theories get reintroduced, progress gets impeded by a lack of organization, and deciphering whatever message Valve is trying to send us gets confused. Any hints Portal 2 might contain about the Half-Life universe get lost like a child in a museum who foolishly relinquishes the grasp on his mother's hand.

Now that Valve has successfully released Portal 2, most of its fans expect the company to turn its focus back towards Gordon Freeman and the fight against the extraterrestrial Combine. We all know it's coming - the question is simply when. Fortunately for us, the cavernous depths of Aperture Laboratories offer not only a buffet of robot witticisms, but also a bountiful cornucopia of Half-Life Easter eggs, to feast on.

Before we go on, know that this article is ABSOLUTELY FULL OF SPOILERS. They're everywhere. They are the house in which this article was raised as a child. If you're allergic to spoilers, then you should leave. Now. Just close your eyes, put your fingers in your ears, turn around, and run as fast as you can, belting 'Oh, Britannia' with all your lungpower. Stop after five minutes, or whenever you run into something heavy that knocks you unconscious. It's the best way.

And here we go.


We're going Borealis to the future!



Imagine that title was said by Doc Brown of Back to the Future fame.

Found amid Portal 2's labyrinthine halls are a handful of distinct clues hinting that Aperture Science's portal research may have led them to the uncharted waters of time travel. Besides driving Steam forum users absolutely crazy as they attempt to nail down an exact Aperture Laboratories timeline, this creates a world of possibilities.

Could Chell's period of stasis have been manipulated, meaning that her emergence onto the Earth's surface at the end of the game at an undisclosed year? Is the "horrible secret" of the Borealis that Eli Vance fears a time machine?

It isn't a stretch to link portal technology to time travel. Stephen Hawking is one of many physicists who believe that a traversable wormhole through spacetime is theoretically possible if an exotic matter with negative energy density could be found to stabilise it. In Portal 2, Cave Johnson reveals that the stabilizing agent in Aperturian portals is a condensed essence of moon rocks, which makes up the white-coloured liquid that allows Chell to create portals on walls of any substance. Sounds like a good enough stabilizing agent to me.


If the Borealis is indeed a titanic time machine (or at least holds one), then the reasons Vance fears it suddenly become clear. Taking out the combine is one thing; doing it whilst navigating the tightrope walk that is avoiding major paradoxes is another. It may be possible that the Borealis contains something else entirely - many believe it could harbour 'super portal' technology, an anti-matter weapon, or some sort of megalomaniacal AI. I'm not convinced.

Adding time-travel to the Half-Life universe - hell, to any story - will make it infinitely more complex and difficult to manage. That said, if any writers have proven they have the industrial scientific umbrella necessary to pass through such volatile narrative weather, it's the writers at Valve.


The Great Chell Hunt



Let's be honest... we don't know when Chell was kicked out of Aperture Labs into the wheat fields of northern Michigan. It's a mystery. When she is awakened from her cryogenic dormitory at the beginning off Portal 2, an automated voice tells her that she has been in stasis for 99,999 days. If that number is to be trusted, then the game takes place roughly 276 years after the events of Portal, which occurs shortly after the Seven Hour War in which the Combine overwhelm humanity and form the dystopian apocalypse setting of Half-Life 2. If it's not to be trusted, then Steam forum users guess the level of degradation of Chell's stasis chamber shows that the time between games may have been as short as 27ish years.

I personally doubt that Chell was in stasis for over two centuries. Why? Because according to the Half-Life wikia "...it has been stated by Gabe Newell in an October 2007 interview that Chell has importance in the overall Half-Life universe, and will eventually have a fairly significant relationship with some of the other characters that we are already familiar with."

For Chell to have a 'fairly significant relationship' with any of the series' current characters, she'll need to be alive in the same century as they are. Maybe getting her there will somehow involve time travel...

That said, there's also a chance that Chell was never even actually set free.

In a 26/4/11 interview with PC Gamer, Portal 2 writer Erik Wolpaw shed some light on Chell's emergence to the surface:
There’s always that debate about ‘ooh we could pull the rug out from under you at the last minute’ which I guess we sorta did in Portal 1. I always feel that’s a little bit cheap, I feel you the player as Chell have earned a moment of grace, right?

We did three endings, it’s a long series of endings. We wanted to show you GlaDOS, show you Chell and then show you Wheatley – GlaDOS learns a lesson and promptly deletes it so she can set herself back to zero. You learn whatever you learn and you’re out and it doesn’t look so bad – but we know the Combine’s probably lurking out there somewhere. And you get the Companion Cube back – that could be good or bad, it’s not really clear. In my mind GlaDOS has given you the Companion Cube like “take your shit and go”, or the Companion Cube has been on its own adventure this whole time and just manages to escape at exactly the same moment you do, in which case it’s probably pissed.

When asked whether Chell would run into Combine just past those peaceful amber fields, Wolpaw had this to say:
The only qualification is something we’re just kind of saddled with – you know that the world to some extent has gone to shit, right? It’s not a happy world she’s exiting into. Although having said that we don’t know how much time has passed – maybe the Combine have been beaten back and the world is nice. If nothing else we want to give her as happy ending as we can, entering into the Half-Life universe. It’s a fairly bucolic scene, it’s very nice. She gets serenaded on the way out, that’s always pleasant. She does get a happy ending, there’s no point in being negative about it, I just can’t let go of the fact that we know where she gets that happy ending, and there could be some danger out there. I’m an adult, terrible shit happens to me all the time. I want happy endings for everyone, the kind I’m not gonna get in real life – I mean, we’re all gonna die, let’s face it.
Yes, we all die, Erik. Only most of us aren't slaughtered by alien overlords minutes after being released from an underground laboratory where we were forced repeatedly to complete tests using a gun that defies physics by a sarcastic robot who is probably our mother. That's pretty unique.


Eli Vance ...of Aperture Science?


Somehow, there seems to be a connection between Eli Vance, the Gravity Gun, and Aperture Science. Here are some facts:

1. Eli Vance claims to have invented the Gravity Gun in Half-Life 2.


2. Prior to GLADoS killing its inhabitants, there appears to be a Gravity Gun in the Aperture Science Enrichment Center, along with an H.E.V. charger, shown in the comic Portal2: Lab Rat.


3. Chell's parentage is brought into question in Portal 2. Her freakishly successful 'Bring Your Daughter To Work Day' experiment and constant ribbing from GLADoS for being adopted tell us that her parentage must have been known by Aperture Science, and could very well have been linked to a scientist there.


4. Chell and Alyx Vance look kind of similar...

5. Azian, Alyx's mother, is something of a mystery at this point, as all we know about her is that she died during the Black Mesa Incident. She could very well have been a corporate spy for either Black Mesa or Aperture Science against the other. For that matter, so could Eli.


6. Or, if we'd rather not get into Chell's parentage (there's also plenty of evidence pointing to Cave Johnson and Caroline, whose genetic code is implanted into GLADoS, as Chell's parents), a collection of pictures found in Kleiner's lab in Half-Life 2 show of his former Black Mesa colleagues whom most fans believe once worked for Aperture, but defected. There's nothing worth noting in its scenery. Nothing at all. *cough*

Besides these scandalous mysteries, the last thing Eli said before he died was that he had something crucial to reveal to Gordon and Alyx about the G-Man. How did Aperture get ahold of Eli's Gravity Gun? How did Eli learn the 'terrible secret' of the Borealis? Is it possible that the G-Man is somehow related to Aperture Science?! Oy, what a tangled web. It seems as though Eli has a lot of explaining to do. ...err... had a lot of explaining to do...

One way or another, Eli's secrets will inevitably be brought to light.


Playing as Gordon Freeman and Friends



Though not found directly within Portal 2, news recently surfaced that Valve, whose single-player games frequent 'Top 100 Games of All Time' lists, is probably done designing single-player games. If this is true, then the next Half-Life will sport heavy cooperative play, and may look a lot like Left 4 Dead.

I don't hate the idea. Playing as Gordon Freeman, Barney, and Alyx wouldn't be terrible. In many ways it would actually do a service to the plot, giving players a chance to witness important character development first-hand, without needed to show it down their throats by way of excess exposition. But let's go a step further. Assuming the Half-Life universe's tangled web of a storyline somehow brings all four of them together, how about a dream team of Gordon Freeman, Barney Calhoun, Adrian Shephard, and Chell (each of whom has been the protagonist of their own game)? Talk about fan service.

The downside of no more single-player Half-Life is that we'll lose out on the solo exploration that has been such an integral part of controlling Gordon Freeman in the past. As a mute protagonist, Gordon is made all the more mysterious by his ability to accomplish tremendous feats while saying not a word. There's a certain serenity that comes from taking a break from the action to solve a puzzle in an outdoor setting, in absolute silence, without any fear of human players with mics loudly discussing whose turn it is to teabag a Combine corpse two feet beside you. Corpse-humping always seems to kill the magic.


It's not over yet...


The first thing we've learned about Half-Life from Portal 2 and its ARG is that we've learned nothing. Socrates would have liked that, if his genetic code were placed in a personality sphere.[1]

It's been just over a week since Portal 2 came out, and talk of newly discovered Easter eggs pop up in the Steam forums every day. As of yet, it seems that nobody has accomplished 100% completion of the game. There's no way to prove it will happen, but I have a serious hunch that we'll see something more when that does. My guess? A five second extension to the video found at the end of the game. Once Chell is on the surface and the hatch door behind her closes, she turns around and either sees evidence that she's in a grid, or notices a Combine Stider/Dropship/Gunship turning to see her, or being shot down by Rebels of some kind. Or maybe due to some sort of time travel she arrive at the surface just before the start of the Seven Hour War.

This is all incredibly theoretical, but I would not be surprised at all if Valve snuck in a collosal teaser like an extended ending to prepare us for Half-Life: Episode 3 or Half-Life 3, one of which is rumoured to be announced at the upcoming 2011 E3.

To summarise what we've learned:

- The Borealis could very well contain a time machine (or a similarly dangerous weapon that somehow involves super-portal tech).
- Chell is likely back on the surface, either centuries after the events of Half-Life 2 or a decade or two after it. An interview with Erik Wolpaw seems to hint that she has emerged into a world that "to some extent has gone to shit".
- Eli Vance somehow either knew of or was directly involved in a relationship between Aperture Science and Black Mesa that may have involved corporate espionage. This may directly involve technology used to create the Gravity Gun.
- Though discovered by recent news (and not an Easter egg), Valve may produce its next Half-Life title with no single-player mode (only cooperative)
- There is more to discover, as we have not yet heard of anybody obtaining 100% completion of all trophy/achievement challenges in the game.

Want more Aperture-centric Easter eggs, not directly related to the Half-Life story? I'll lead you right.

- Portal 2 and PROMETHEoS
- A sane person. Yep, definitely sane. No craziness here.
- If you believe we put a man on the moon
- Who needs mom when you've got science? Explodey science. Delicious, explodey science.
- The Passing of Wheatley

That should be enough for you to bathe in the enigmatic waters flowing out of the Portal 2 Valve for a few hours.[2] There's only one way to finish this article off:




Footnotes

[1] - SOCRAToS?
[2] - (Did you see what I did there? Did you see it? Yeah? Did you? No? With the pun? And the pun-making? No congratulatory high-five? No celebratory fist-bumps all around? Not even a smile? Alright, okay. You're a jerk. I get it. I hope you choke on that pride. Like a chunk of haughty sausage. You know, not enough choking to actually kill you, but just enough to make you say "Oh wow, maybe next time I shouldn't throw away perfectly good karma." Gandhi would've laughed. At my pun. The man had loads of karma. Guy was swimming in it. He bathed in it under a Valve. He gave it away to his friends and family as Christmas presents. Or the Hindu equivalent of Christmas. Herds of adopted multi-ethnic children are to Brangelina as karma is to Gandhi. You should try to be more like him. Only, you know, without the painful syphilis. Might've been king of the world if not for that syphilis. That's what made him so skinny. Syphilis will just sit there, in your stomach, waiting for food to drop down so it can snatch it up and swallow it in its dreadful maw before you get any nutrients. It works sort of like that scene in Alien when the extra-terrestrial leaps out of the man's stomach, or like the scene in Spaceballs where they make fun of the scene in Alien. Not kidding. I saw it on television once. Planet Earth. Terrific show. It was kind of beautiful, really. Full of... nature. Kidding, kidding! You almost took the lawyers of the leash there for a moment. I saw it in your eyes. "Oh I'm going to sue this bastard for slighting Gandhi. I am going to sue him right in his stupid ...face!" It was in your eyes. Fierce. Like a shark, mated with a tiger. Shiger eyes. Scary. Well no need, I apologise. No, no, I'm serious. How's this for a deal - I'll stop accusing beloved world leaders of having crippling alien venereal diseases, and you'll stop threatening to sue me and my loved ones. That work for you? Good. Wonderful. Excellent. On with your day, then.)

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- Greg Mengel
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