Every year we, the insatiable gamers, are blessed with an assortment of high-quality titles, which we gobble down with the utmost haste. Whether it be one of the greatest games ever conceived or something a bit more modest, we tend to forget the predicaments the main characters go through whilst we're being entertained. Shooting enemies is fun - undoubtedly so - but what about the guy who shoots a loved one? What about the guy who was just going about his everyday life when his town explodes? How about the guy who can't remember his own name? These are the videogame characters we feel most sorry for.

The list of game characters has grown exponentially over the years, and with them the issues that develop in such a memorable way. Some of these problems are a bit more serious than others, but hey, they're still problems right?

9: Solid Snake

The issue: Snake is a clone; he ages rapidly, has to fight multiple metal monstrosities and extraterrestrial soldiers, and has to prevent multiple nuclear strikes across all the games. Also, pretty much everyone close to him dies. Savvy.

Snake is an old bastard, or at least he was, by the time Metal Gear Solid 4 rolled around. Even so, his decrepit arse still had to take down a gaggle of enemies with crazy powers, and a series of metal beasts that could cause the apocalypse; not a small feat by any means. The worst of his conditions, though, is definitely his rapid aging process, being a clone and all. How would you like to live less than half your life and be thrust into a rather impossible scenario multiple times? Not so cool. Also, he fought - well, technically, his father fought - a guy who could control bees. ...bees.

8: Link

The issue: How would you enjoy waking up after defeating the toughest nemesis you ever faced, with all your power and items taken from you? Now, how would you enjoy it if it happened every single time? Also, and arguably worse, Link's vocabulary consists of only "HIIYAAA" and "WAAA" and "UGHH". He's a think-tank, clearly.

Link is a legend in the videogame character kingdom, and so are the design philosophies behind The Legend of Zelda, but those scenarios are going to take a backseat here. You see, at the outset of every game, Link is pretty much a different person who in no way resembles the skillful, item-ridden hero from his last adventure. He can also only communicate via several emotional screams, which explains why Zelda always gets lost some way or another (would you want to be around someone like that?). While there might be some kind of odd lore, and occassional connections to games past here and there, it's never truly apparent in any game. Which - naturally - leads me to believe that he's (a) insane, (b) a robot, or (c) maybe both. With this information we can only conclude that Link is tethered to the Matrix as some evil genius's puppet. I don't think he knows Kung Fu, though.

7: Tidus

The issue: Besides his strange taste in random clothing, Tidus has a problem with being tangible, and another with killing his father to metal music. He also likes Blitzball.

The protagonist from Final Fantasy X with the feathered hair gets a lot of flak for his somewhat... eccentric attitude - laughing scene, anyone? - and his random elbow pad. Tidus goes through quite a bit emotionally as the game continues on, but much to his surprise - and ours - he finds out that he doesn't even exist. That's right; by the time the game ends, Tidus basically just up-and-vanishes from Yuna's arms. Before that, though, Tidus participates in the killing of his father to save the land. I truly have no idea how this works, but when you break it down it sounds pretty bleak; Tidus killed his father to save a land that he can't be a part of because he just discovered he doesn't exist.

...blame Blitzball.

6: Boy from Shadow of the Colossus

The issue: In an effort to bring a girl that means something to him back from the dead, this boy must fight sixteen colossi. And slay every one.

It might not sound too depressing at first, but once you finish killing all sixteen colossi, something very bad happens to that boy. Instead of being rewarded with the chance to restore life to the girl, the boy ends up being turned into a giant demon. After the short stint of demonry subsides, the boy then turns into a baby, and the girl then awakens. So, after all that trouble, the kid has absolutely zero idea of what happened.

That, my friends, is what I call 'the shaft'.

5: Master Chief

The issue: Born and bred to fight, the Master Chief had no childhood and no life besides constant intergalactic warring.

Halo's Master Chief really is quite a depressing character. Whilst the games don't exactly dive deep into his background, the man had no life, no friends, no family; nothing. The only thing left to him was the drive to keep fighting for humanity. Every single day is just another step toward killing more aliens and regenerating more shields. I think the only friend the guy has is Cortana, and she's basically just the Internet. It does make you wonder, though; what does he do to kill time, besides sleeping in space?

4: Dominic Santiago

The issue: For a man whose whole world revolved around finding his wife and kids after his planet exploded, putting the gun to his own wife didn't seem to make him the happiest person.

Gears of War is all about the planet Sera, and how it became scorched due to the Locust emerging to annihilate the humans. After the initial attack, Dom lost his kids and his wife, but had never given up on trying to locate them. Upon entering the Locust Hollow in the second game, Dom finds his wife tortured and destroyed; a husk of her former self. Dom couldn't let her suffer any longer and was forced to shoot her, right in the ole' cranium. Could you imagine yourself dedicating your life to finding someone, actually finally managing to find them, and then having to kill them? To augment that feeling, you can then wake up every morning after that, to a world that's fully destroyed and trying to kill you. Awesome.

3: Castlevania's Dracula

The issue: Every single game, he comes back with greater power, badass traps, horrific monsters, and a thirst for vengeance. But he always ends up getting his arse whipped. Literally.

Castlevania is synonymous with Dracula at this point. Like the description points out, he comes back in almost every iteration more powerful than before. Yet, even if he came back with sixty thousand demons and a Godzilla-sized Death at his side, he'd end up losing to some schmuck that gets all up inside his castle. Having your soul literally ripped apart and being forced to sit there for years before you can manifest enough power in a feeble attempt to come back must suck.

2: Gordon Freeman

The issue: A scientist who really enjoys his work, Gordon somehow managed to turn a rather harmless experiment into a full blown alien invasion. ...good job, Gordon.

Half-Life is famous for having one of the best lead-in moments to a game ever, and it still holds up today. Gordon, being the wonderfully nice scientist he is, was going about his business as usual until he decided to push a cart into a part of the experiment he was helping with. Cue bolts of electricity, alien portals and dead people. Now Gordon is solely responsible for finding out how to fix the problem, which he still hasn't been able to do. Bet you wish you could rewind time a bit, don'tcha, Gordon?

1: Vic Viper

The issue: When an alien invasion comes, there's only one option.

You'd think that, after the first time the galaxy routed the enemy in the Gradius universe, they would prepare some kind of defense force in case it ever happened again. I guess that's too logical, though, because those lethargic asses always send out the Vic Viper whenever there's trouble. What happens if the pilots all got sick and no one could use this spacecraft? I guess it's game over forever? Sorry Vic, those guys are jerks.

Labels: 2011, Andrew Whipple III, Castlevania, Final Fantasy XII, Gears of War, Gradius, Half-Life, Halo, Metal Gear Online, shadow of the colossus, The Legend of Zelda

Few can muster the innovation and sheer role-playing force that Final Fantasy has brought to the game industry’s table. Solely responsible for the resuscitation of its parent long, long ago, Square Enix’s intellectual property contains the very recipe for success. Along with legions of rabid, die-hard fans willing to throw themselves in front of a speeding rickshaw to get their hands on another game, Final Fantasy will never truly be 'final'.

Ahem. Unless, of course, Square Enix continues to mould each successive game using Final Fantasy XII as a template.

That’s right: Final Fantasy XII, otherwise known in smaller circles as the harbinger of doom, has created an anomaly in the otherwise pristine Final Fantasy formula (F3), but we’ll get to that later. Back in 2006, the PS2 exclusive rang in impressive scores from around the industry, garnering a superb 92 from Metacritic and even Japanese gaming magazine Famitsu’s perfect '40' score. Though being vastly different to previous installments, it seemed XII could do no wrong.

My friends, what happened in the past is a crime. Final Fantasy XII didn’t deserve the praise it received. This monster is responsible for the degraded, unruly husk of gaming that the Final Fantasy series has become; a travesty that needs to be explained in full.

Could you take this guy seriously?

We at Gamer's Guide to Life have covered some reasons why the Final Fantasy series is going in the direction it’s headed, but what we haven’t yet addressed is the catalyst to the problem. Coming fresh off the heels of a successful MMO, Square Enix decided to borrow much from FFXI and infuse its next console game with MMO elements. On paper it didn’t sound bad; actually it was sort of enticing. A console, single-player Final Fantasy that plays like an MMO? Could Square-Enix actually meld great storytelling with exceptional gameplay, effectively MMO-ifying Final Fantasy for the solo player? I’d be damned if I didn’t admit I was excited about the idea.

At first, FFXII’s execution is pretty solid. The visuals look grand, the cut-scenes are their requisite year length, and the voice-overs are extremely well done. Soon after its serious and comically exaggerated opening though, you’ll be exposed to the controversial combat. Being the MMO wannabe it is, in FFXII you can see every single hostile in your immediate surroundings. That means you’ll no longer have to worry about being ambushed by the Giga Behemoth inside of a bar. It’s a great feature for the series and gives you the freedom whether you engage or not. Once a fight is picked, the game seamlessly transitions into the scuffle and its MMO-ification is brought to the forefront.

Would you believe me if I told you that little tyke is a dude?

In short, the combat in this game is nothing short of astral vomit. It’s a rather complicated explanation, but I’ll do my best to tackle the beast. Like an MMO, your party of three will attack in real-time and use the abilities you designate. You can also revert to the old-school turn-based approach, but it’s pretty clear that FFXII was built to destroy that notion. If you opt to take the old-school road, you’ll pull your brain from your heart before you can enjoy any aspect of the fighting. You see, it’s your turn to attack again every second since, you know, it’s real time - so if you have the action paused every nanosecond, you’re effectively playing in bullet-time. Slow-mo combat is not cool, it’s not fun, rewarding, or anything else nice sounding.

Controlling your party members is pretty weird in this game. In previous Final Fantasy titles you could control every action your characters take. You can still do that, but like I said above, it’s very unrealistic since the game would need to be paused every 2.459 seconds. I’ll remind you that FFXII is built on MMO principle which means that combat against monotonous enemies, like jack rabbits, should be dealt with exceedingly fast and without thought. Enter the new Gambit system. These little babies allow you to give AI to your digital followers so you don’t have to constantly tell them to attack the dudes in front of their face. Gambits suck.

There's a Viera named Krjn in the main city. How the hell do you even say that?

Allow me to explain. Gambits are great for this game since it allows you to push through the garbage to get to the nicer smelling garbage. They also allow you to control a single character without having to micromanage your party members. The problem I have with Gambits is that they take too much away from the game. Sometimes I’d seriously walk away from my TV when I was in a lengthy fight. I didn’t need to be there; think about that. My other issue was how FFXII dealt with mana or magic power. The only way you could get mana back effectively was by running – just moving around. One boss fight entailed me running around an antagonist dubbed 'the Judge' in a large circle, healing the people who needed it and attacking when he didn’t do enough damage. I didn’t have to press a single button to win the fight. To make matters worse, your companions do not move around like you do, so they’ll never gain that mana back in the heat of battle. Maybe it’s just me, but running back and forth or running circles around enemies while I attack just doesn’t seem to be as rad as it sounds.

You aren't moving! Get that mana back! No, I don't care if you're bored!

Much like in FFX, characters achieve new abilities by moving around a welfare version of the Sphere Grid called the License Board. After every fight you’ll gain XP and some License Points (LP). You can move around the board by expending your points but here’s the kicker, everyone starts in the same place. That’s right, unlike FFX which started you on a HUGE different edge of the grid, this damn game just gives you all the same starters. I think the worst part about Licenses is that you can’t even use certain armor or equipment unless you unlock it on the board. So you can be wearing Plate Mail Assless Chaps, but if you happen upon a Cloth Toga? You can’t wear it unless you have it on the board.

Limit Breaks, Trances, Desperation Attacks - whatever game they’re from, Final Fantasy veterans know that these finishers help define the series. FFXII instills a new name to Limit Breaks they dub the Quickening system. Quickenings are probably the worst Limit Breaks of all time but are perhaps the most effective in a game like this. Each character can find three Quickenings of varying power and they can all be strung together in one lengthy, repetitive movement. To shoot one off, you have to have full MP and then you’ll be taken to a cut-scene where you’ll be prompted to press a button. As long as you press it before the timer runs out, so-and-so will do a move and the screen will fade to another cut-scene where you’ll be prompted to do the same thing. This string can last forever as long, even though doing just one Quickening will reduce your MP to zero. How it works after I’ve done 12 Quickenings I couldn’t care less about, but I hit one boss for over 10,000 damage at level 10 and won. Awesome.

Looks dynamic, right?

On another hand though, Square Enix brought back the Espers. For those of you who don’t know, Espers were the magical forms from FFVI (the best in the series) that rock total house. Unfortunately, even the good name of the Espers can’t save the new ones in FFXII. Once summoned, your party is teleported away from the area except for the caster itself. The Esper cannot be controlled and wanders around for a certain time period doing whatever. Funnily, the caster him/herself is usually getting hammered on by the creatures you were hoping to kill with the Esper. If you die, the Esper is unsummoned. If you think that stinks check this; usually Espers have several attacks, but they all contain at least one super. Upon completing the super attack they leave the area and your party is teleported back in. Sometimes they come in and use that attack, leave, and effectively did nothing. I want my old summons back.

Balthier is the coolest character in the game. Fran is the rabbit woman with high heels and no clothes.

Perhaps the worst part about FFXII is its headache of a story and the bland characters. Story for the Final Fantasy games is its most important foundation so it’s confounding as to how they looked at this and thought it was all good. I don’t think I’ve ever played a Final Fantasy game where I haven’t cared about the protagonist or the group he’s gathered. Actually, FFXII doesn’t even have a clear enemy since it’s too busy trying to make civil war and unrest the most complicated political thing of all-time. There’s no clear-cut good dude either, just an androgynous guy named Vaan who I immediately swapped out of my party when given the opportunity. 30 hours in and I still have no idea what’s going on or what people are trying to accomplish.

I’ll finish up here by stating how atrocious boss fights are. As I’ve described the combat to be a pancake drenched in the sweat of a 400lb male equestrian, the battles with the bosses aren’t nearly as exciting. Once a boss fight is locked in, they begin bashing you with their physical attacks just like every other game out there. The issue is that they really don’t do much else. Occasionally they’ll throw out a magic spell or some flagrant taunt but once they hit the 50% HP mark, the fight changes. Something drastic happens where the boss utilises some extreme area of effect ability that takes you for a ride; they will continuously do it until the fight is over. It’s almost like a time check saying, “You got me this low, I’ll keep spamming this until I’m dead. Haha!” Every boss follows a similar pattern or at least something close to it.

There's the boss! If you win you get nothing! Hurrah!

Oh and once it’s all over? You don’t even get items or ANY type of reward for winning. No I’m not kidding – Boss fights with no cool rewards. I’m sorry, you actually are rewarded – you get a huge “Congratulations” text message across the screen as it spins for about a minute around your party, who is posing for the non-existent camera man.

...just like this.

FFXII is an insult to the RPG world and an embarrassment to the Final Fantasy name. This console MMO-ification is pure evidence that what we’ve seen from FFXIII and the coming games can only lead to unrivaled terror. Do yourselves a favor Square Enix, revisit your older games and see how a real title plays.

Labels: 2011, Andrew Whipple III, Feature, Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy XII, PS2, Square Enix