Girl gamers? I understand your pain.

You’re torn. You're conflicted. You're unsure. On one hand, you love videogames for all the obvious reasons. They’re fun. They’re pleasantly addictive. They come with a rich and popular culture. On the other, they’re often shallow. They can be sexist. And more often than not they send heroines into battle with naught but a thong to guard them.

I hear you, sister - men are pigs.

It's no secret that video games have developed a bad reputation amongst non-gamers for creating a gallery of shallow, oversexualised female characters. Snobbish fans of other entertainment mediums hang their hats on this; they love to point out that whilst our heroines seem to be paid by the midriff, there wasn’t a navel to be found in Citizen Kane. Our favourite industry has leapt many a hurdle since its economic genesis in the mid 80s, bounding repeatedly and with quantum leaps towards fully-fledged artistic respectability, but characters like Lara Croft, Cammy, Sivir and hundreds of others hold it back.

If you’re a man, pick your favorite male protagonist. Someone cool, and heroic (if you can't think of anyone, go with Han Solo). Now close your eyes and imagine them as accurately as you can. Make sure to account for every detail - their height, weight, stance, clothes; all of it. Once you've got a clear image, pin it down in your mind. Got it? Good.

Now have that character meet your gaze.

Now give him a speedo.

Now make him dance. He seems different now, doesn’t he? At the very least, he's less badass than when clothed. Do you still want to cheer for that character; want to lead him into dangerous battle? That’s how I imagine women feel about their videogame heroines.

Anybody who’s spent a summer of adolescent sexual tension at theatre camp knows that a character is only as good as his or her costume. You immediately realise that Malcolm Reynolds is a bona fide hero because his outfit screams 'space pirate'. We all know that a worn leather jacket + weathered brown fedora + ripped khaki adventurer's shirt = caution-to-the-wind, globe-trekking archaeologist. Combine face piercings, a hooded leather jacket and a $10,000 shopping spree at Hot Topic and what do you end up with? The troubled cyberpunk genius Lisbeth Salander, from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. These are just a few iconic characters that to some extent are defined by what they wear, by how they are presented to us.


So when a game company dresses their leading female character in a slutty bikini covered in knives, what do you think of them? Are you struck by their intelligence? Do you think they could be a doctor, or a philanthropist? Maybe a Congresswoman? I bet Margaret Thatcher wore her medieval G-string to work.

As a fan of good storytelling, I have trouble viewing scantily-clad warrioresses as real characters. They’re too impractical to be real people. Too shallow and robotic. Their existence makes me turn off the PS3; turns me away from their products. And I’m not the only one.

To be fair, there are plenty of videogame heroines with the two-hit combo of clothes and personality to choose from. Alyx Vance, from Half Life 2. Chell, from Portal. Zelda, from the Legend of Herself. Samus Aran, from Metroid. Jill Valentine, from Resident Evil. Faith, from Mirror’s Edge. Jade, from Beyond Good and Evil. Female Shepard, from Mass Effect. There are plenty of respectable women-folk to be found in the great game character sisterhood. But at the end of the day it's the gun-toting, skin-baring, Victoria's Secret model look-a-likes that seem to get the most attention.


By continuing to loudly voice how much we the gaming community enjoy seeing these clothed, believable female characters in our games, perhaps we will convince game developers guilty of oversexualising their female characters into changing their tune. If we stand together as consumers and call for more independent, badass lady-folk in our games, we might get them.

But as long as the videogame industry allows companies to create games about X-rated beach volleyball, it will remain barred from the lounge of artistic respectability, and therefore continue to press its hands longingly against the window as it watches art, film and literature converse tastefully amongst one another whilst wearing smoking jackets, puffing on expensive Cuban cigars and mahogany smoking pipes.

It's up to us to keep demanding respectable female characters in our games, brothers and sisters. We’ll slow the creation of over-sexualised video game heroines yet. And I don’t care if that lingerie is made of diamond-coated mithril tungsten - it’s not going to stop that swarm of arrows flying full-speed at your crotch.

Labels: Beyond Good and Evil, Dead or Alive, Feature, female gamers, Film tie-in, Greg Mengel, Lara Croft, League of Legends, Mass Effect, Metroid, Mirror's Edge, Opinion, Portal, Zelda

Did you guys hear that Kanye West is coming out with a complete haiku album, "Seventeen Syllables of My Soul" later this year? Jay-Z actually challenged him to a fierce haiku December rap battle in response. They're calling it "Basho and Butterbeer: Christmas Gladiator Sh**t". All ticket proceeds go to help Japanese tsunami victims learn how to compete in organised rap battles. It's going to change the way we think about music, poetry, and life. You didn't hear about that? No? That's probably because it never happened. Kanye West will never write an all-haiku album, nor will he meet Jay-Z for an epic, Christmas-themed haiku duel.

Haiku gets no respect.

We at GGTL are doing our part to make haiku chic again. Last week we unveiled twenty-five of one-hundred video game haiku, covering a wide array of topics including Fox McCloud's need for psychiatric relationship evaluation, anti-liche racism (lichism), and the unforgivably low number of games in which protagonists make orgasmic noises whilst eating dead crab. Picking up where we left off, here are twenty five more usually irreverent, seldom philosophical, always enjoyable video game haiku for your entertainment.

26: Fallout 3

flying teddy bear
hurling at behemoth's face
cuddly blood explode

A friend of mine (one of these guys) called me over to his house once to see something beautiful. He and a fellow gamer had whittled the health of a Super Mutant Behemoth (the colossal monstrosity seen above) down to a sliver. They then took a deep breath, smirked, and used their Rock-it-launcher to impale the wounded giant with ...a teddy bear.

The explosion of plush fur, button eyes, and entrails that followed will forever live gloriously in my memory.

27: Resident Evil

at seven years old
zombies chased me through the halls
...i was just a boy!

Yes, I was among the silent masses scarred for life by Resident Evil as a child. There should be support groups for that.

Years later I faced my fears with the GameCube remake. Finally... the healing began.

28: Dead Rising

with right hand, a swing
six-string crushing zombie skulls
Jamba Juice in left

Despite its head-scratching mechanics and the infuriating need to DIE FIFTEEN TIMES BEFORE YOU CAN GET PAST THE FIRST TWENTY MINUTES OF THE GAME, the concept of Dead Rising is a tip of the hat to George Romero's Dawn of the Dead, that king of classic horror films - and for that alone it should be applauded.

29: Pokemon Snap

charizards mating
how's the size? wow! enormous!
sixteen-hundred points

Yep, a Charizard mating haiku. For more classy writing, bookmark and visit us again at Gamer's Guide to Life.com. A serious enquiry: when two Charizards mate, do they birth another Charizard, or a Charmander? Or a Charmeleon? Someone ask Professor Oak.

30: Final Fantasy Legend II

damn you, Apollo
hardest boss in Squaresoft lore
never eat the meat

I'm not sure why more people don't reference these games. Released for the original brick of a Gameboy during the early 90s, they (in many ways) were the first serious handheld RPGs. Imagine Final Fantasy classic, only in black-and-white, with a handful of laudable new features, like the "Eat the Meat!" function, in which monsters would drop their... well, flesh, I guess... after each battle, at which point, for whatever ridiculous reason, your characters would discuss amongst themselves whether to eat that raw, still-warm carcass. Doing so would turn your character into some kind of monster - some hugely powerful and advantageous, others completely useless.

It was a gamble, but added a fun element of variety to an otherwise overly predictable design.

31: Final Fantasy Legend III

soaring overhead
a talon tearing skyward
still don't eat the meat

Final Fantasy III introduced the gaming world to the Talon, quite possibly the most badass airship of all time. Unlike many airships in the Final Fantasy series, the Talon was actually useful to gameplay, in that you could upgrade it, specialise its abilities, and then call on it in battle as a summon. Basically, it's the Millenium Falcon of gaming. Add an amazing 8-bit theme and you have a recipe for one of the most memorable RPG experiences of all time.

32: Kirby's Dream Land

perpetual suck
[insert cliché herpes joke]
it had to be done

Yeah, I know; Kirby's venereal disease jokes have been done to death. Still, I can't think of Kirby without being reminded of the constant and frightening danger of oral STDs in a society that encourages us to put our mouths on everything, so my haiku creation process kept coming back to that. Moving on...

33: Mario Kart 64

super social game
hours spent by everyone
must choose Yoshi first

When I was in college, I would sometimes run a social experiment wherein I wedged my door open, faced my television towards the hallway, put my three extra N64 controllers on display, and played Mario Kart 64. The results were undeniable - I'd have a nerdy party going in five minutes. Everyone who was a kid during the 1990s knows this game, and loves it, and thinks they will kick every other 1990s kid's ass at it. It's a beautiful thing, really; if ever there was a game to solidify all gamers under one banner of friendship, Mario Kart 64 would be it.

34: Halo: Combat Evolved

war against the flood
Starship Troopers, H. G. Wells
legacies ancient

Halo gets a lot of flack for being a mindless, shallow FPS pool, waded into by a million frat boy douchebags named 'Troy', or 'Hunter', or 'Lance', but that's not a fair assessment. The first title in the franchise that made the Xbox a viable console competitor was a genuinely fantastic game. It had innovative gameplay, a suspenseful storyline, deep characters, and no online multiplayer, which meant that friends could casually get together and play without fear of getting teabagged by a thirteen year old screaming "Do you like me now, bitches?!?!" with cracking pubescent tones into his allowance-budget MadCatz microphone. It was a better time, before...

35: Halo 2

no such thing as pride
frat boy crouching on your face
Mars weeps for us all

Playing Halo 2 online was an almost frightening experience. As far as skill went, it was great; with worldwide challengers to test themselves against, players were getting better, thinking more quickly, and becoming truly talented. They were also, unfortunately, becoming idiotically consumed by and obsessed with the fire of competition. I played Halo 2 online now and then, but I always ran into him. Or him. Or him. There were just too many of 'that guy'.

36: Windows Solitaire

hate hate hate this game
take it off my OS, Bill
leave SkiFree alone

To read a full post on why playing Solitaire helps the Communists win, read this.

37: Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magic Obscura

elf taking the train
hides his head as people stare
longing for the trees

Conceptually, Arcanum is my favourite RPG ever made. Its setting is an island which echoes western history in many ways, with a mystical twist. Imagine a land based off of Dungeons and Dragons, or anything written by R. A. Salvatore, in which many centuries have passed, and technology has advanced to the point of the industrial revolution. Magic still exists, and is still extremely powerful, but it clashes fiercely with technology, creating an aura of distrust between magic users (who typically live in mystical settings such as ancient forests, necromantic crypts, etc.) and those who embrace technology (large, industrialised cities, mines, lumber yards, etc.).

While elves receive huge magical advances, their mere presence will often destroy the machinations of a technological device, causing train engines to overheat, or repeater rifles to jam. Dwarves, inversely, often cause magical potions to sour, or fiery summons to simply dissipate. Mix that with a varied cultural and geographic landscape that covers such varied, interesting topics as half-orc railroad worker unionisation and labour rights, or elven ecoterrorism against corporate lumberjacks just trying to earn an honest living, and you've got one of the coolest, most intriguing settings that gaming has ever seen.

With better graphics, this game would have become legendary. With that in mind, it's one of the few titles that I would love an HD remake of. The world of Arcanum has too much potential to pass into the annals of game history just yet.

38: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Lon Lon Ranch sunset
Death Mountain shielding the sun
sombre tune to play

Nothing more needs to be said about this Miyamoto masterpiece. It is, unarguably, one of the richest, most memorable video games of all time.

39: Mario Galaxy

soaring through the stars
gravity? thou art mine bitch
do not play while high

Those with a history of: vertigo; seizures; epilepsy; nausea; high blood pressure; heart, back, or neck problems; motion sickness; or fear of flying from planet to planet as an Italian man with red overalls and a moustache - you should not ride Mario Galaxy.

40: The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

scientists who say
whales cannot soar 'mid clouds
gentlemen? this game

I'm not sure what makes a flying whale so hilarious and generally appealing, but I love 'em. Even stranger is the concept of airships whaling in the sky. The problem would be catching them once they are disabled. Can you imagine a freshly-harpooned flying whale plummeting ten thousand feet, ultimately crashing with a breen, blubber, and meat-filled explosion on top of some guy's new car, just after he's told his wife "Now that we have that new Sedan, I'll be able to drive to work, and we'll finally have the money to send little Billy to college without farming out our valuable organs to Black Market buyers in Thailand"? Me neither.

Flying whales aside, Link's Awakening is a great example of a Zelda spin-off game done right.

41: Oregon Trail

hunting buffalo
shot eight-thousand pounds of meat
only brought home twelve

Spend last twenty dollars to buy medicinal cholera elixer for Hope (Y/N)?

No.

Spend last twenty dollars on rifle and oxcart full of bullets (Y/N)?

Yes!

Hope has died of cholera. I guess she didn't like buffalo meat.

42: Red Dead Redemption

here, the dying West
father, son, and holy ghost
this is a nice spot

A few short sentences of paragraphs is not enough to sum up the powerful setting and story of this game. Read more of our thoughts on it here.

43: Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare

Seth's made some new friends
'pocalypse and rapture nigh
undead to the end

Simply put, the best DLC yet made. Read more here.

44: H.E.D.Z.

schizophrenic kids
really should not play this game
seizures will be had

The plot of H.E.D.Z. is simple: you are an alien fighting in a grand extraterrestrial colosseum, called a 'Head Extreme Destruction Zone', against other aliens who wear powerful masks, known simply as 'heads'. These heads, taken from abducted humans, imbue you with the powers of their former owners in hundreds of ridiculous ways. Your Army Soldier head, for example, will allow you to shoot other aliens with machine guns, while your MIG Pilot head will allow you to fly a Russian MIG, bombing competitors from the sky. It's hard to describe just how random and non sequitur this game is without showing you directly.

File this with the Arcanum in the 'games that I definitely wouldn't mind being remade in HD' folder. Well, not in the same folder, but in a lesser, similar folder.

45: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time

mutant time warp love
pirates, cyborgs, wounded knee
let's do it again

Games like this make me miss the arcade. Four friends, more quarters than any parent wants to relinquish, and hours of fun getting to mythical last bosses. Turtles in Time was one of the best from that era.

46: Tetris

man inside the game
taunts me with a squiggly piece
L would win the day

People say this game is actually an intense metaphor for the roller coaster good-to-bad eras of Russian history. I don't know any of them, but they say that.

47: Mega Man X

purple boba fett
animal kingdom robots
'cept for Kuwanger

What parent names his or her robot invention "Boomer Kuwanger" and expects it not to be made fun of by the other cyborgs? And what is Boomer Kuwanger supposed to be? All the other Maverick bosses in Mega Man X correspond to some kind of animal (Chill Penguin, Flame Mammoth, Spark Mandrill, et cetera). The only animal I can see Boomer Kuwanger being reminiscent of is some sort of red, evil, slimmed-down jumping ninja bison. Watch this. Now contrast it with this. It just doesn't make any sense.

48: Fat Princess

the all-cake diet
eat for your country, eat true
feasts protect this house

This game does the impossible, in that it reminds me of Catherine the Great while not referencing a horse.

49: Gears of War

gentleman's co-op
cover fire, opening doors
chivalry's not dead

Gears of War's idiotically testosterone-driven art and dialogue was forgiven by me, for its terrific cooperative gameplay. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. As a huge fan of co-operative play in all its incarnations, I couldn't help but love this game. But...

50: Gears of War 2

oh, the manly urge
to do pushups while playing
mad world, mountain dew

...the testosterone-high really does annoy me. Without co-op, the Gears of War franchise is little more than a steroid commercial with mediocre online play. I know there's a large fanbase that is pretty passionate about the Gears of War story, but I just don't get why. Maybe if I read the books I'd feel differently. I somehow doubt it.


Fifty down, fifty to go. Bookmark Gamer's Guide to Life.com and check back next week for twenty-five more. Do you have a request for a specific game to be beaten with the haiku stick? Have your own haiku to share? Leave it in the comments section below.

Labels: 100 Games 100 Haiku, 2011, Culture, Feature, Greg Mengel, Haiku, Offbeat

Everybody loves haiku. It's sleek. It's simple. It can tie the fleeting metaphorical nature of the seasons to the word 'Pineapplesaurus'. It's a sexy, brief, yet profound and often humourous form of poetry for our callous, businesslike world-on-the-go that thirsts for meaning in between daily stock portfolio check-ups and $3,000 hot stone massage sessions with overweight Japanese investors.

People have explored video game haiku before. People have explored haiku about everything. We here at Gamer's Guide to Life.com even dipped our toe in that serene Japanese plum garden pond back in days of yore. This time, we've donned our Super Mario floaters and undersized Marvel Superhero swim trunks and cannon-balled in, vaulting koi and lily pads with a collosal splash, out through calligraphy screens onto peaceful rock gardens and Shinto shrines with a whopping one hundred finely crafted video game haiku, presented in four parts, for your reading pleasure.

1: Portal 2

physicists' co-op
Einstein, Hawking, Sagan, Nye
dad, are you in space?

Yes son. Now we can be a family again. Anyone who has completed the game will enjoy this.

2: Star Fox 64

"Do a barrel roll!"
"Do you say anything els—"
"Do a barrel roll!"

Great advice, Peppy, but I asked why I wasn't satisfying Krystal emotionally. I don't think barrel rolls will help.

3: Eternal Darkness

infuse history
with hard psychotropic drugs
never trust a liche

I don't mean to sound racist, but if a liche walks into my restaurant? He orders his food from the kitchen and picks it up at the back door. Undead don't sit at my tables.

4: Metal Gear Solid 2

hey, is that a box?
what's a box doing out here?
cool, that box has legs!

When the world is mine, my minions will all have advanced degrees.

5: Metal Gear Solid 3

never has a man
made more orgasmic noises
while eating dead crab

If anyone finds a game that trumps this, let me know.

6: Super Castlevania IV

labyrinthine halls
villains, monsters all live here
like an evil frat

Apparently there's no other evil castle in the world for them to crash at.

7: Chex Quest

chex squadron elite
cereal kicks so much ass
racist breakfast foods

Seriously, the chex people hate interstellar space blobs, and I'm not sure why...

8: Street Fighter II

fleet fingers
can they pull it off?
...hadouken!

You can see I went for the ole 3-5-3 haiku instead of a 5-7-5 here. Just spicing things up a little.

9: Luigi's Mansion

poltergeist's field day
built on toad cemetary
Ghostbusters - don't sue

Please. After the GameCube sales... we're broke.

10: Starcraft

Alabama pride
Vietnam, but bugs, in space
yes, executor?

Many thanks, Pinkasaurus. Your work does the world a service.

11: Starcraft: Broodwar

secret ninja Sith
zerg hunting, your favourite sport
en taro, adun!

Remember when you first controlled one of these invisible Jedi? Or the first time Zeratul killed an Ultralisk in two hits? I've never felt so powerful.

12: Half-Life

non gamer friends ask
"Why you smirk at crowbars so?"
if you only knew

When the headcrab apocalypse goes down, style points go to the alien parasite hunter sporting dual crowbars and a pink Hello Kitty bike helmet.

13: Brutal Legend

sing the tale of rock
Heavy Metal's ancient time
best game of '09

That assertion may be due to the fact that I never played Uncharted 2, but this game was damned terrific, despite its misguided shunning by Tycho and Gabe. I will fight for its honour 'til the end of days.

14: God of War

manly man muscles
flex off versus Mars and Zeus
chest bumps will be had

I bet Kratos roars every time he makes a sandwich. Pull the bread down from above the fridge? Roar. Spread mayonnaise fiercely, by way of unwashed battle-worn cutlass, over grainy plains? Roooooar. Tear into fleshy layers of lettuce, tomato, and turkey unmercifully, gnashing triumphantly with a testosterone force equal to that of a Pac-Man god wielding the power of a thousand tiger and Great White Shark teeth? Raaaaaaaaaaaaaawr.

15: Wii Sports

"No Grandma, I don't
want to bowl one more damned time."
stupid, stupid Wii

Few games have transitioned so quickly from cool to lame as Wii Sports.

16: Civilization II

best Civ of all time
"Greg, it's time to go to bed."
"Please, Dad, one more turn?"

...it was never just one more turn.

17: Civilization II: Fantastic Worlds

build a space marine
then a squad of pirate elves
from mind of Jules Verne

Back in the age when scenarios were king, this expansion contained the kings of all scenarios.

18: Super Mario Bros. 2

Birdo... what are you?
sexless dino O-face ...thing
God's little mistake

Seriously, you disprove intelligent design.

19: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

dark world just got real
Midna, wolf should be in Smash
skinny sumo Link

I know, there are already a lot of Zelda characters in Smash, but Midna/Wolf Link has the unique move list and the popularity to be a great fit. Zant wouldn't be a bad assist trophy, either. This will always give me goosebumps.

20: Kid Chameleon

total nineties funk
backwards hat and tattered jeans
SEGA's golden age

If you remember playing this, you're legally old enough smoke, drink, buy pornography, and purchase a rental car in the United States.

21: Super Bomberman

tiny fuzzball hats
that familiar sulphur smell
first to timebomb wins

One of the first SNES games to implement four controllers, that people might actually still want to play.

22: Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos

before senseless blood
enemies just exploded
easier to clean

The janitors in those evil lairs... no super-powered Billy Mays cleaner will get the blood from the newer Gaiden games out. Also, shameless site promotion.

23: Super Metroid

sweet pet Metroid, nooooooooo!!
taste the rainbow, Mother Brain
then Samus, half-dressed

Those who haven't played the end of Super Metroid will almost certainly be confused now. Good. That gives you a reason to find and play Super Metroid.

24: Mega Man 2

robot made of wood
Yggrasil armour, plate leaves
now he needs a heart

Yeah, a Wizard of Oz reference. Didn't see that coming, did you? Except that it's too ironic for a mechanical lumberjack to be made of wood. Or self-loathing. Freud would have things to say. He may not sport a cardio-vascular system, but Woodman's got personality to spare.

25:Super Paper Mario Wii

mega star power
straight from a goomba's bad dream
bow before your god

No goomba signed up for this. Tell their families they were stomped bravely.


There we go: twenty-five down, seventy-five to go. My writer's cramp is going to feel like an old Vietnam war wound by the time we're done haiku-ing. To get a reminder when the next part of this haiku-thon comes out, follow our Twitter, @ggtl, and gain +1 rep. Til next time.

Labels: 100 Games 100 Haiku, 2011, Culture, Feature, Greg Mengel, Haiku, Offbeat