Oh, Grand Theft Auto, I do love you so. I love your dry wit, sharp humour, cutting satire and brilliant societal critiques. I love the fact you're so well realised, with no detail overlooked or flaw jutting out. I love your atmosphere, your dialogue, your gameplay, and - though I hate to be so shallow - your looks. You're damn near perfect.

So you can imagine that I was overjoyed when news broke of Rockstar registering new domains, possibly in connection with the next iteration of the best sandbox around. With such titles as getamexican.com, pregnantandalone.com and justcanoe.com, there was no reason to doubt their legitimacy. They just sound so perfectly in-keeping with the Rockstar style that it seems second nature to walk into an internet café, bash this into the address bar, then log off and start a rampage.

See? Video games haven't affected me one bit!

All seemed to be going swimmingly. I would soon be reunited by my darling, and off we would venture. Where to this time? London would be a favourite of mine, as it's been a while since I mounted the kerb for half a mile in Clapham. Just get me out of America, which has grown stale thanks to endless faceless virtual copycats. Then I'd be happy.

It was with an air of disbelief that I read about GTA V being codenamed Rush, to be set in Los Angeles. There was even a character list to boot, though I just couldn't believe it. How could Rockstar, creators of possible the sharpest, funniest and most playable games out there, create something so... uninspired? While I'm sure 'Rush' has something to do with Take Two, I very much doubt that it is connected with the Grand Theft Auto franchise. And here's why.

Thanks to some very clever sleuthing work by the talented Superannuation, a casting call by Rockstar’s regular agency Telsey & Company was found, which listed various characters for a Take Two project known only as 'Rush'. These resumés seemed to confirm a GTA vibe (one woman listed the part of 'inner city female'). At this point, it's a very believable setup; games are accidentally revealed on a surprisingly common basis thanks to CVs or casting calls, and thanks to Telsey & Co.'s regular acquaintance with Rockstar, everything pointed towards 'Rush' being code for a new Grand Theft Auto. Except for one small issue...

John Marston is a stunning character. Not just for video games, which often substitute story for gameplay, but in terms of any piece of fiction, he's a beautifully rounded character. Niko Bellic may have been a bit whingy, but he showed layers of complex emotion that one wouldn't find out of place in a novel, albeit one with a lot of carjacking. Rockstar is known for creating incredibly detailed, intricate characters who can evoke sympathy, loathing, pity, or any number of alternative responses.

With that in mind, have you seen the characters for 'Rush'?!

Mitch Hayes:
38 – Annoying, wise cracking, highly successful FBI agent. In great shape. Does triathlons, drinks low cal beer, but still has a sense of humor.

Eddie:
47 – Weed evangelist, guy who started smoking at 30, and is now a leading proponent of marijuana’s fantastic properties. White, awkward.

Kevin De Silva:
18 – Albert’s fat, FPS-playing gamer son. Smokes a lot of weed, has anxiety issues and a card for a bad back, very soft, very opinionated. Into making racist comments while playing online.

'Annoying, wise-cracking'. That's probably the most basic stereotype for anyone inhabiting a Grand Theft Auto world. Does 'Weed evangelist' or 'annoying wise-cracker' sound familiar? Again, this is an incredibly boring, uninspired and underwhelming description of 'Default 18+ Video Game Characer #1'. And the self-referential 'Kevin De Silva'; would Rockstar really stoop as low as to parody their very players in such a simple, overtly cliché manner?

Oh, and he smokes a lot of weed, too.

I find it hard to believe, with the writing talent on Rockstar and the smorgasbord of superb figures standing proudly in Grand Theft Auto IV, that they would revert to such petty, childish stereotyping. If you asked a random man on the street to come up a list of with character traits they think the archetypal GTA oddball exhibits, these are the kind of quirks you would expect. But not from Houser & Co.

And then things take a turn for the ridiculous with Gilbert Gottfried reportedly tweeting that he had been cast to play the main character in GTA V.

“just found out I’m voicing the lead in grand theft auto 5! also I hate japan lol.”
- Gilbert Gottfried (@RealGilbert)

I want you to listen to this. And I want you to imagine that blasting out of your speakers for 25 hours of a video game. Rockstar's leading men have always been incredibly likable, from John's strong family values and dry humour, to Niko's sly remarks and desire for a better life. Could you really ever like the parrot from Aladdin? He's comic relief, a one-trick pony, just background noise. The voice is unique, but in a fingers-on-chalkboard way, not a warm, involving lead character way.

Which brings us back to the kicker; apparently, the game is set in Los Angeles. Now, I'm not sure about this, but according to some industry insiders, Rockstar are publishing a game already set in Los Angeles. Something called 'L.A. Noire'? Despite more than half a century between the two timeframes, could you imagine Rockstar visiting the City of Angels twice, in such a short space of time? It seems nearly impossible.

I'm sure Grand Theft Auto V is coming. I'm sure, very soon, the internet will be broken all over again thanks to everyone trying to see a debut trailer. But will that debut trailer focus on 'Eddie', the drug abuser? Will the Griffith Observatory stand proud in the opening shot? Will Gilbert Gottfried provide the voiceover?

I very much doubt it.

Labels: 2011, Chris Hawke, Grand Theft Auto, GT5, GTA4, Red Dead Redemption, Rockstar, Take Two

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