We’re just about a week away from the release of a brand new Mortal Kombat, and while reminiscing is quite fun, I couldn’t help but point out one key item: DLC. Ed Boon has already confirmed that DLC in the form of Kenshi and Skarlet will be made available close after release, but what about the seemingly hundred other kombatants out there? Would you hurl yourself into a bog of human fecal matter for a chance to play Rain? No need to stress over your chosen fighter's gallery, I’m here with my own decisive list of the “wants” and “hell no’s” to help you decide who you would like to see enter the ring as future DLC for the new Mortal Kombat.

As an avid fan of the series since the days of the seminal title in arcades, I can tell you from the bottom of my rather large heart that there are way too many characters infesting the Mortal Kombat universe. When I say “too many,” I mean "too many horrible characters that must be purged in the fires of Ed Boon’s Soulnado". If you thought Stryker was a weird character, get ready, because you’ll be praising NetherRealm once you glance at this brain-wrenching amalgamation of Mortal Kombat culture.

Let’s start this off with the disease ridden characters.

The Top 10 Atrocities of Mortal Kombat (i.e. People we do NOT want to see… ever!)

Meat

The issue: Beginning his life as a skin implementation in Mortal Kombat 4, Meat began his kombat career as a villain. I guess they thought it would be awesome if he became a playable character in Armageddon. Once again, he’s literally a walking bag of meat.

Why he shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: The character is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What’s worse is that they actually gave him a story during Armageddon. The last thing the reboot of Mortal Kombat needs is something like Meat, even if he was just a playful skin turned character.

Jarek

The issue: Jarek’s story is retarded. Take a look for yourself and see how stupid it truly is. Anyone who actually played MK4 also knows that Jarek is one of the most uninspired characters in all of the games. Kano 2.0 anyone? Also, he has a vest resembling that of Vaan from Final Fantasy XII (and we all know how I feel about that game).

Why he shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: Kano is already in the new game, so adding a fighter like Jarek seems like a bit of a waste of DLC potential. Sure you can give him a brand new move set, but does anyone really care? There’s enough Black Dragon dudes running around as is, and I’d rather have the guy who can shoot a laser from his eye on my team than the guy who stole his vest from Aladdin.

Drahmin/Moloch

The issue: They’re disgusting looking demon allies that have neither story nor place in the realm of Mortal Kombat.

Why they shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: Honestly, with the Shokan and Tarkatan races, plus entities like Reptile and Ermac, why do we need irrelevant demons like Moloch and Drahmin in our character list? They bring nothing to the table that makes even the tiniest bit of sense. Oh? They were hired by Shang Tsung as bodyguards? Quan Chi did the same? Remember, this happened in Deadly Alliance. Here's one hundred thousand dollars - run to your nearest hospital as gracefully as you possibly can, find a neurosurgeon, and have him remove the section of your brain that remembers Deadly Alliance. You're welcome.//

Fujin

The issue: Come on – a Wind God? Apparently he has something to do with Raiden and an amulet everyone wants. The problem is, no one cares because he’s derivative. ...and stupid.

Why he shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: He blows (Get it? Wind god? You get it...).

Tanya

The issue: She’s just another trivial female character with nothing to really separate herself from the rest. Her story is also maniacal, which wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so thin.

Why she shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: Anything that deals with Shinnok really should be kicked to the curb. While Tanya had a little to do with his storyline, she’s all about doing what doesn’t make sense like, you know, betraying everybody. If you gave her a glass of water and a massage, she’d kill a country and a small fleet of baby pandas. I know, I know, that sounds like it could be good, but once again, it’s just... not. Trust me on this one; there’s more interesting characters out there (and not one that starts with an “S” and ends in “nok”).

Shinnok

The issue: While he’s still relevant (unfortunately), Shinnok is a quivering mass of hate - hate that turned Mortal Kombat into something it should never have become. I can deal with Quan Chi, but this smurf sorcerer needs to vanish into the abyss.

Why he shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: Shang Tsung and Shao Khan or Shinnok? NetherRealm, do not let this destiny unfold. As enticing as a former Elder God sounds, burn this dude.

Frost/Ashrah

The issue: Much like the dynamic duo of Moloch and Drahmin, Ashrah and Frost are also a dual-pocalypse of bad. Do we really need female versions of Raiden and Sub-Zero? I didn’t think so.

Why she shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: Changing the gender of classic characters is a rather lethargic move when you think about it. What’s next? Female versions of Cyrax and Sektor? Why not just put the nano-suit dude from Crysis in this game too? Yeah, don’t.

Mavado

The issue: I remember actually watching the opening to Deadly Alliance in stupefied awe. I couldn’t believe Liu Kang and Shao Khan were actually killed before the game even started. It’s like killing Sonic before you even get to play the first level in a game entitled “Sonic.” Anyway, Mavado apparently “killed” Kabal and stole his hookswords.

No.

Why he shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: There’s no argument that Kabal is twenty-times the character Mavado is. Also, having a carbon copy of Kabal won’t bring much to the new MK. A lot like the Jarek and Kano scenario, Mavado should be forgotten - and soon.

Nitara

The issue: (Me pretending to be the character creation committee) "So I have this great idea. Why don’t we address the problem of our lack of diversity in monsters by implementing vampires into the mix? Oh, I know! Why don’t we make it a lady that looks like a bat? Then people won’t be confused because it’ll be a vampire bat lady. It’ll be awesome." *high fives all around*

Why she shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: Honestly, Nitara could work in the new MK, but a drastic overhaul would be required for me to be alright with it. There’s just no need for a vampire bat lady with an atrocious story.

Mokap

The issue: The name is short for “motion capture” which is a device used in the creation of video games like Mortal Kombat. I hope you knew that. With that said, you already know the issue.

Why he shouldn’t get the DLC treatment: Because enough has already been said, I’m going to post his ending I ripped from Wikipedia:

“In Mokap's MK: Armageddon ending, he is killed when Blaze is destroyed, but his soul reforms in the sky of Edenia as a constellation of the same name.”

That is all.

I know it was quite brutal to pave your way through this list, and I hope NetherRealm shares the majority of my feelings (as well as you). Also note that while the above characters are pretty terrible, there are at least ten more that are deserving to be on here (Darrius, Dairou, Taven, etc). Let me know your thoughts below and don’t worry, in an attempt to cleanse the foul taste left in your mouth by these characters you'll find the best ten examples of what we'd like to see in the new MK next week.

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Labels: 2011, Andrew Whipple III, Mortal Kombat, NetherRealm Studios

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